By Curt Collier
Discussions on raising moral children are age-old. Assyrian/Chaldean clay tablets dating back 4,800 years lament the disobedience of children. Ancient Egyptian papyri emphasize the importance of teaching children to care for their elders. Vedic literature, the oldest sacred texts of Hinduism dating to the 2nd millennium BCE, discusses the importance of instilling a sense of duty in youth. The Tao Te Ching, written around 300 BCE by Lao Tzu, emphasizes cultivating virtue within the family as a precursor to peace in the world. The ancient Greeks also extensively discussed virtue ethics over 2,500 years ago. Despite these ancient teachings, it seems that even 4,000 years later, we are still grappling with how to raise moral children, likely with limited success.
Our understanding today reveals that moral reasoning hinges on a fully developed prefrontal cortex, the center of logic and reasoning, which for much of our youth is disconnected from the emotional centers deep within the brain, including the amygdala, hippocampus, limbic cortex, and hypothalamus. Neurologist Jonathan Cochen describes the frontal cortex as the region where we choose to “do the harder thing when it’s the right thing to do,” and this area doesn’t fully mature until around age 25 in young adults. This delayed development explains why young adults are often guided more by their emotions than by logic. Consequently, asking a young adult, “What on earth were you thinking?!” may not be the most effective approach. Instead, we should reframe the question to inquire, “What were you feeling?” I think with either question, you’re probably still going to get a blank stare.
Ethical decisions require logic, emotional intelligence
If the ancient Assyrians had access to advanced neural imaging, there might be fewer 3 am arguments today. Thanks to the research of neuroscientists Antonio Damasio and Robert Sapolsky, we now understand that humans require both fully functioning logical reasoning and emotional intelligence to make ethical decisions. Unfortunately, these capacities are often not fully developed in youth, and sometimes not even in adults. This may explain why many of our ancestors resorted to negative conditioning strategies, such as “spare the rod and spoil the child.” However, these approaches inhibit cognitive and emotional development in young adults and do not foster ethical personalities.
I confess, I entered the realm of child-rearing later in life, and like most parents, my primary relief comes from knowing our children are safe once all the tears and shouting subside. Adopting an older child made it easier for me to dismiss punitive strategies, which, according to my friends, are often ineffective anyway. I view “tough love” as synonymous with child abuse, as it seems to indicate a surrender of one’s own emotional growth. While I disagree with a lot of what she says, I agree with Alice Walker when she wrote:
Love is not concerned
with whom you pray
or where you slept
the night you ran away
from home
love is concerned
that the beating of your heart
should kill no one.
Model appropriate responses in diverse environments
While still a topic of debate, research suggests that many of our actions are driven by deep-brained mechanisms, with rationalizations coming afterward to justify these choices. If this research holds true, ethical education demands a higher level of skill and commitment. Researchers highlight that our decisions are largely influenced by prior conditioning and context. Essentially, we are conditioned to react to external stimuli based on past experiences, and the context in which we find ourselves determines whether our responses are beneficial or harmful. If this theory is accurate, the environments we cultivate for our children play a crucial role. This doesn’t mean restricting children to highly controlled environments. On the contrary, it suggests carefully and calmly introducing children to the world and modeling appropriate responses. The more youth feel secure and comprehend their surroundings, even in diverse environments, the more likely they are to make what many consider to be good, ethical choices.
One of the main reasons I maintain this belief is the frequent occurrence of individuals on the news stating, “Well, he never did that before.” As I’ve followed these stories, reporters often suggest a new context in which the perpetrator found themselves and how poorly they were able to adapt to this change. On the flip side, this highlights the importance of “practicing” ethical behavior in a variety of environments. As neuroscientist Sapolsky emphasizes in the epilogue “Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst,” it’s great if your frontal cortex lets you avoid temptation, allowing you to do the harder, better thing. But it’s usually more effective if doing that better thing has become so automatic that it isn’t hard.” You can probably guess why I’m so focused on mitigating climate change).
Recognize the importance of making an effort
The approach to ethical education within Ethical Culture has evolved somewhat with the trends of the times. However, our strategies have consistently focused on fostering the ability to reason, cultivating emotional intelligence, instilling a sense of “locus of control” in youth—helping them recognize their role in ethical decision-making—and developing reciprocity in their relationships. Additionally, our Ethical Culture curriculum includes curating new experiences in the world, whether through social action projects, intergenerational community events, or ventures into the broader community. These strategies are lifelong endeavors. Developing your capacity for reasoning, enhancing your emotional intelligence, and building meaningful ethical relationships are crucial aspects of leading an ethical life. It’s also important to engage with the world, even in challenging circumstances. While I don’t always succeed myself, I recognize the importance of making an effort—whether it’s having difficult conversations or simply showing up when no one else does. Living an ethical life is about embracing life to its fullest, which means bringing your whole self, including your areas of growth and development.
Curt Collier is leader of the Ethical Culture Society of Bergen County.