By Curt Collier
There will come a day when parents view their children’s evolving sexual orientation with the same curiosity and acceptance as they do other distinctive traits, like athletic prowess or a precocious personality. For many young adults, though, revealing their sexual orientation to their parents remains a daunting and potentially life-changing moment. The fear of disappointing their parents or being rejected by them, along with societal stigma, can be overwhelming. I know that firsthand. I look forward to a future where this experience is far less traumatizing.
I acknowledge, though, as shared by numerous gay and lesbian friends, that the coming-out experience can also be empowering. Choosing to confront potential disapproval from family, friends, and society in order to embrace your true self can be a life-affirming decision. Setting aside others’ expectations, hopes, and fears to authentically be the person we are meant to be can provide us with a valuable perspective, as well as the desire to offer others the same acceptance. While the movie stereotype of the carefree gay character encouraging their straight friends to “just be yourself” may be cliché, there is an element of truth to it.
Fortunately, life presents all of us with a myriad of equally demanding circumstances in which individuals are ultimately faced with the decision to either embrace their true selves or risk losing a part of who they are. Many individuals confronted with this choice may never fully commit to authenticity, opting instead to pretend or conform, resulting in a lingering sense of bitterness or cynicism that can deeply affect them and their relationships. In some instances, when cultural and societal norms are overwhelmingly restrictive, or dangerous, the opportunity for personal choice may be so suppressed that individuals may never truly discover their authentic selves. In my opinion, this form of stifling conformity can also be considered a kind of emotional or psychological death.
Potential for liberation exists in all of us
My own experience provided me with a type of clarity of perspective. As I read the news and reflect on current events, I often contemplate how different situations might unfold if those involved had experienced an equally powerful moment of liberation. As I said, this “clarity” isn’t limited to the LGBTQ community, but extends beyond to encompass individuals from diverse backgrounds, including many people of color in a dominant white society, women in all stations of life, parents, and residents of restrictive communities–all who took a risk for authenticity or embraced others who did. Its commonality of opportunity highlights the universal potential for liberation that exists for all of us.
Despite these opportunities, what prevents us from embracing liberation, leading to the repetition of the same mistakes time and time again? Perhaps, as some argue, it’s only because of privilege that this is even an opportunity, but I’m well-traveled enough to brush off such a ridiculous statement. I’ve met “myself” again and again on the sweltering streets of Bangkok, in dusty fields in Mexico, while buying dates in an Arab souk, or hailing a rickshaw in Korea, passing a bottle aboard a Greek freighter, or purchasing conch from Caribbean fishmongers. Liberation can happen anywhere.
May my openness encourage others
Authenticity cannot be forced, and attempting to push someone to be so is likely to have negative consequences. Instead, we can ensure that stories of liberation and the voices of those who have found freedom are amplified. We can support and defend individuals who chose to live authentically rather than conform to societal expectations. While I have encountered many who have embraced the joy of being true to themselves, I have also encountered numerous others who are apprehensive, to say the least, about such a world. I have met them promenading in positions of power, heard their harmful sermons, and challenged them in their dens of denial. This is why I openly express who I am, in the hope that my visibility encourages others to consider the possibilities of being who they are meant to be.
Individuals who advocate for war, violence, and oppression in the name of upholding a distorted ideal of identity are just as misguided as a parent who shuns their child for embracing their authentic self. These actions stem from fear, not strength. I am aware that amidst any conflict, there are those who ponder: “Is this all I am? Is my existence merely a pawn for those desperately clinging to fragile facades in a world constantly in flux?” We need to hear from them. We also have a responsibility to say loudly to their oppressors “Enough is enough! This world no longer belongs to you; it belongs to those who believe in life.”
Challenge the sickness of submission
My dear friends, take this word of advice from an old fag. Let go of your fears, your self-doubts. Brush aside societal norms and ignore the glares frozen on the faces of others who’ve already given up, and stand again to challenge the sickness, the unnaturalness, of submission. Reach out your hands to others, even if the hands reaching back are trembling. Declare loudly that Life is too important to be entrusted to the nationalists, chauvinists, bigots, and racists who are trying to plant their tainted flags around the world and here in our own backyard.
Perhaps…maybe…one of those marching currently under torchlight may pause long enough to look in a mirror and wonder: Is this who they were meant to be? It’s possible. The only thing I can promise is that by being more you, you help them be more themselves. I’ve seen it happen. Until then, let’s continue to call all toward their better selves. Open your mouth and start speaking.
Curt Collier is leader of the Ethical Culture Society of Bergen County.